In the Bank

              I've been waiting for what seemed like an extraordinarily long time for the life insurance check. It seemed that way, but since I've never waited on one before I had no idea how long it should take. Either way, it came, and I got it deposited in the bank as quickly as I could. There was no way I wanted that thing anywhere vulnerable. So now, its safely in the bank and I'm waiting on the funds to be available. According to the lady at the bank, the first portion should be available in a couple of days, the rest in around a week. She gave me a paper showing the dates but I've already put it away. So now, to work up a plan on what exactly to pay off and what to pay on.

              I've written down a list of our debts and the amount owed.  Added up, there is more debt than resources. I can blame no one but ourselves. While our circumstances were problematic, we should have been able to fight our way out rather than dig ourselves deeper. But dig deeper we did. I had health issues and my husband lost his job due to lay offs. He then went to truck driving school, got his license and began driving. The first two jobs he had, did not pay that well in money, but got him a wealth of experience. During this time, we were constantly borrowing from Peter to pay Paul. We were trying to stay afloat, but the water only got deeper. Then, he got a good job, that he really liked, only it was very short lived.

               During our struggles, our son has seen what being irresponsible with one's finances can cause. He has seen, how the unrestrained use of credit cards may get you what you think you want quickly, but that money has to be paid back with interest. Its one thing to use them only if one must, and if you pay them off at the end of the cycle, its another to allow the debt to linger and the interest to grow. Looking at the debt we owe, and looking around the house, I can't see much of anything to account for the amount owed. I hope, that my son, while seeing our struggles over money every single day, will be smarter with his own finances. While I'm praying for wisdom and guidance on how to handle this journey, I'm hoping that he is watching and taking notes. I'm hoping that he will remember the times when his dad would worry over the cost of something and whether we had the money in the bank to cover it, only to turn around and charge the item, adding to the ever growing debt. I'm hoping, he will remember seeing me, before my husband got the good job, as I tried to pay one bill, only to turn around a couple of days later and borrow that money back to pay another bill. We weren't going under, but we weren't actually staying afloat either.

                   Once my husband finally got a good job that paid so very much better, we were beginning to build that ladder out of the hole we were in. We were actually making progress. Even when my husband spent time in the hospital, we were okay. There was always someone with a good heart who felt lead to help us, and kept us stable.

                    Then, my husband passed away.  I lost count of the times my husband would be in a mood for one reason or another and would tell me,  that if anything happened to him, at least I would have money. I quit trying to tell him that he was wrong, as of course being male, he was never wrong. but he was. Now I'm trying to figure out the best way to take what came, and fill that debt hole that we dug so deeply. I need discernment, I need wisdom, I need prayers for that and more. I know though, that I am not alone in this journey. I know, that God has a plan. I've said it before, I'll say it many more times, I believe it to be true. This will work out for His glory. I just need to get back out of the way and allow Him to act. So that it won't just be money in the bank, but answers to prayer, answers to problems, answers to the mess of a maize that I have gotten myself in to and am trying so hard to find my way out. Then, not only will there be money in the bank, but peace in my heart.

Worry Not

           I was very blessed that so many people dug deep in their pockets and shared with us. I was very blessed, that I was married to a man who always did his best to be one month ahead on the bills,  in the checking account. It was easier to do this, because he finally had a really good job, working with a company that treated the employees like family not like workers.  I had been getting over time where I worked and was trying to knock my own personal bills out. Then, my husband passed away suddenly.  Then, the over time went away.

             Because of the generosity of so many, and because of my husband's budgeting, I have been able to keep making all of the payments on time, plus keep gas in the car and food in the cabinets. I haven't worried about anything, and I'm still not worried. I have faith that God is in control of this and that He has a plan. I know that He will take care of us, that He is, taking care of us.

             So I will not worry that no matter how I try to stretch the awaited insurance money, it won't stretch all the way. There are still bills that won't get paid off. I was really hoping that I could do that. I was really, seriously hoping that I could wipe the slate clean and start again and be a lot more careful in spending. I've done really well I think in handling the money that had been given to us. I still have a little over enough to cover this month's bills. Thanks, largely to a very generous friend who felt lead to share their blessings with me and James, and who answered that leading. I had hoped to use that toward a new furnace air conditioning unit, but, I have a wood stove and windows, we'll be fine.

                With all of that being said, here is what I believe. I was not meant to have enough to cover everything. Oh, I could surrender my life insurance and have enough, but then I wouldn't have any life insurance. I need that so that should something happen, James will have the money to take care of my burial and what ever else is needed. (Not that I'm planning on going anywhere any time soon, but we never know when we will be called home.)  I believe, that this is going to be one of those God moments where once I step back out of the way fully, He will step in and take care of things in a way that shows it was Him and done for His glory. Because I don't know of any other way that I could come up with the amount of money that I need to cover everything.

                I write these blogs, I have more readers now that I ever did, but with each day that passes since my husband died, the number of readers drop. Yes, there are ads, and yes, I am trying to earn a dollar off of this, but unless there are a lot more readers, that isn't going to happen. I realize too, that there are only so many people who are interested in how a new widow is getting by. (On faith baby, on faith.)

               I have other irons in the fire across cyber space, but they aren't doing all that well either. I have to face up to the fact I am not an entrepreneur. I did well when I was fundraising, but that was for charity. I don't want to ask for money for me. Especially when I know that there are others who are in much greater need. Things are getting paid, we aren't going hungry, we aren't in the dark or at risk of being homeless.

              I am of the opinion, as I stated above, that the reason my attempts have so far failed, is that God is waiting on me to quit trying to do His job, stop, move back out of the way and let Him handle this. Being human, being a person who has always had to step up and do things, stopping and getting out of the way isn't easy.  Waiting, isn't easy when you've been the one who wants things done, now.  But that is what I believe, is exactly what I need to do, stop, step back, and wait. God will handle this, He will and is, taking care of us, and in His time, I will have everything that He wishes us to have. In the meantime, I will worry not.

Remembering

                     How am I supposed to pay full respects to those who gave their life for this country's freedom, with this being a day marked to remember the fallen, when all I can do, is think of you.

                     Memorial Day, exactly what its name implies, a day of remembering. A time to recall, to think, to remember, to offer a moment set aside, just to say and be thankful for those who gave all, for us. Those members of any and all branches of the military. There will always be those who speak against wars, you gave them that protected right. There will always be those who complain about our government and elected officials, without offering any other options. They complain, they argue, they whine, you fought, and you died, for them to have that right. Today, is the day set aside to remember. Today, many are off of work and home preparing to spend time with friends and family. Some will know and understand the significance of the day, some will simply see it as a day for cook outs and laughter. I'm off from work, and I am remembering the ones who gave all for their country, but my heart hurts for more than that. I miss you.

                      There are days when the pain silences the words of my heart. All I can do is stand at the front door and stare out into the yard, seeing but not seeing, you. I stand there, not hearing and yet hearing the sounds of that big diesel engine pulling down the road, the sound of those air brakes and you park that rig and prepare to come up to the house. I don't see, but yet I see, the dogs as they jump up and stare down across the yard, waiting your approach. Their excitement of your return evident. There on the table beside your chair is the can of soda that you were drinking. I haven't yet had the heart to toss the can into the recycling box. Your belongings that were in the truck, that were packed up and returned to us, still sit packed up in the other room. I have no need for much of that, but can't seem to part with it. Those things were yours, those things helped you along the way. Some prepared your food, your television, that portable dvd player that I don't know if you ever got to use, your cb radio. Part of me is tempted to purchase a big ole whip antenna for the back of the explorer and have it installed but things aren't what they once were and the citizens band craze died a long time ago. Eventually I will have to do something, even as they keep me close to you, the memories do at times hurt.

                         James moved the box for the television out of the bedroom and into this one. You know that I didn't really watch that much television. It seemed that every time I tried you interrupted in some way so I got out of the habit. I turn it on now for the noise, its much too quiet  around here with you gone. Right now I'm sitting here, remembering you and listening to the crows outside. I would rather be hearing your voice asking if I had done this or that, asking if I wanted to go out to eat, asking if I would prepare you a cup of coffee..all I hear are the crows.

                         Speaking of James, he changed out one of the ceiling fans in the kitchen. I helped a little, but he did most of it. He has really stepped up. He does miss you though, even as he doesn't say much, you can see it in his eyes. Can you see us from Heaven? Did you see him go down to Atlanta for that gaming convention? I was nervous for him, but proud of him for getting out and getting away. Like you have often said, he doesn't need to be right under my feet all the time. He is a grown man, and a good man. I'm proud of who he has become as I know you are.

                     I was trying to clean this room. I always joke that anything that doesn't have a set place in the rest of the house ends up in here. From the looks of it, that isn't a false statement. I managed to get some done, but I couldn't do anything with the stuff on the shelves or the top of the desk right inside the doorway. Every... single... time... you came home, you would come in here  and pick the same things up at random asking what they were. Even though I had told you the last time you were home and picked up the same items. Yes, I know, not everyone picks up rocks, not everyone has a room full of various Relay for Life cups, key rings. notepads or any other variety of items. Not everyone has stacks of hats. Not everyone, has to look at this collection, and remember.

                      The fact that I know you were a child of God, that you gave your life to him some years back has helped. I spend a lot of time in prayer, some days I am a walking prayer. I've started reading my Bible more often. I listen to that faith based radio station. All are helping to ease the pain, but I know it will always be there. That dull, breath stealing ache in the pit of my heart. Thirty-two years of marriage, so long together, this living without you is so strange. I guess the fact that you drove long haul and were gone so much has helped some, but not a lot. I forget my phone a lot now. I hate having it near me, because I want to call you so badly.

                    As I sit here, writing this, it gives me a better understanding of what families go through, when their loved one is lost to war. When they know that they will never hear that beloved voice again. when they know, they will never again have to deal with the frustrations and annoyances that was a part of them. When they miss those very annoyances to the point of pain. They have the knowledge that their loved one gave their life for the freedoms of this great land. They know, that it was te ultimate sacrifice, that was possible from the moment their loved one signed on to which ever branch of service they chose.

                 I have the knowledge, that you chose to drive that truck, long haul, to provide for us. You did it, because even though you knew it would take you away from us, that you would miss so much, you would at least be providing for us the things we needed. You kept a roof over our heads, bills paid and food bought. You did this, even with all of the handicaps you fought.

                I love you. I miss you. I will always hold you in my  heart, remembering.

                          

                   

When Memories Strike

             Today is  May 27th, I have two more days off from work for Memorial Day. I was facing this time with dread. I did not want to spend these days here at home.......alone. My son took Friday off from work and went to Atlanta. Today, he worked, tomorrow he is going to the race in Charlotte, Monday he will be back at work. So I, am basically alone. I refuse to give in to self pity. I will find my way in this new normal. Even as this is a time to remember those who have given all for the freedom of this great land and I am trying to keep going without my husband. I will not lessen the importance of this day because yes, there is a great difference in those who died in battle and my husband's death. Yes, they died fighting for this land, its freedom and its people. My husband died working to provide for us, his family.

              So now, here I am, learning to live as a widow. Learning to find my way through all sorts of maizes of confusion and frustration. Learning to spot and avoid the landmines waiting to explode before me, destroying my peace and strength. So what have I done over the course of the last two days? Stayed very busy.

               There is a peace to be found when one is working constructively. There is a contentment to be found in the accomplishing of good things. My house, save a couple of areas, is clean. This room is going to take a while, and there are things in here that will remind me of him. There are things in the other room, that will do the same thing.  The pipe under the sink in the bathroom is leaking. I have the stuff I need to repair that and will be spending my Monday repairing the sink and going through the landmine rooms.

               Today, oh today, after my son inspected the explorer and I got home I went to work. I have been digging and replanting flowers. Mom gave me a section of an old time rose and told me I could have some of her cactus. Her cactus was in serious need of cleaning as it was nearly covered in leaves. I donned my gloves and grabbed her rake and set to work. She came out while I was working and talked. At one point she told me something about my being determined to finish. I have to do that at work, so I might as well do that in other projects I'm involved in. Besides the fact that I love that cactus, especially when its in bloom so there was no harm in helping it out by removing all of those leaves. Also, as I told mom, it gave me something to do. She then mentioned some flowers that grow along the fence across from her house. I helped myself to some of those before the demolition crew damaged them.

                 I moved all of my gatherings up to the house, my intent was just to plant the rose, but I ended up planting everything that I had dug up. I had been given money for flowers, it was one of those, 'here, now hush' moments. I went ahead and cleaned out areas in the flower bed and planted those as well.

                 Then I stood back and looked around at my handiwork. It looks good. I'm sure the bees and butterfly will appreciate the additions. I believe the hummingbird are enjoying the feeders. It was so late when I finished that the solar lights were coming on. It was a normal afternoon and evening, but it wasn't. The thoughts wanted to drift, the memories and the loneliness sneak in. I wanted to be able to call him up and talk about my day, his day, when he would be home. The knowing that I can't, and he won't, hurts. The fact that I am learning just how much I am capable of doing is encouraging. The knowledge that I am finding ways to making the yard more colorful and nice, is calming. 

                  As the days off from work approached, I dreaded them with a passion. I did not want to spend the time alone, here at home. I wanted to go somewhere. I wanted to get away. It didn't matter, the beach, the mountains, a local hiking trail. I wanted to be in a different location, at least for a while. So far the farthest I've gone is Walmart. Now, it doesn't seem as important to get away. I had made sarcastic comments at work that the farthest I'd get to go would be my own back yard, but you know what? There is not a thing wrong with that. In fact, I believe that is one of the next things on my list to tackle, getting that backyard cleaned up.

               When memories strike, the tough, the strong, the determined, get up, take a deep breath and get going. There is a new normal out there, and I'm going to meet it head on.

 

Fighting the Good Fight, Ways to beat the unintentional pain

  It seems to be a regular occurrence now that some one, or some thing sets off the emotional roller coaster that I am currently on and I wonder when and how I will ever get off this crazy ride. In the mean time, how am I going to handle this, so that when the storm breaks, and the sun is bright again, I can  look around and see that I still have friends? Between the hair trigger emotional highs, lows and  incredible hulk crazy, I know people are giving me a lot of space. Who really wants to be the recipient of any of that mess anyway?

 The one constant thing that I have discovered, is that nothing is constant. What can cause one emotion this time, will cause a totally different emotion the next. There needs to be a road map or instruction book or something to help guide me through this labyrinth of emotions.  I need to know how to spot the directional signs and understand them well enough that I can find my way from emotional to calm.

 Something happened this morning that made me angry, very angry. I turned and walked away muttering to myself. My words were nothing that I wouldn't have said out loud in front of my mother, my son, or my preacher, but I wasn't happy that I was that angry. I have stated repeatedly that anger is a wasted emotion. So how to battle this? The first thing that came to mind was to take a few deep breaths and find something physical to busy myself with. That last part was not difficult as I was at work and there is always something physical that needs to be done. I busied myself, doing the same moves over and over until the project I had given myself was completed. As I worked, I felt the anger worked out. By the time I was done, my arms and legs ached, I was soaked in sweat, my head was beginning to throb, but the flash fire anger had eased.  I knew that I could now talk with others without fearing that I would speak sarcastically or angrily, possibly saying something that would anger or hurt the feelings of others, as mine had been hurt not that long before.

 Something happened yesterday that mad me sad and envious but mostly sad. Someone had gone on a trip that my husband and I had planned. Now this person had no way of knowing that, but still, when I was approached with a "guess who I saw, Saturday?" and when the answer was the artist that we had planned on seeing, the memories and sadness swamped my boat. I tried to smile, I tried to continue the conversation, I tried, but failed, I do believe. I failed, because I allowed a moment to control me, instead of me controlling the emotional moment. I know, that it is impossible to control everything. I am human with human weakness and failings. But I can try to control my reactions to situations. I said nothing to the person about the plans my husband and I had discussed, I listened to her description of the time she had, and was glad she enjoyed her trip.  I came home and tried to divert my emotions by grabbing my camera and finding flowers to photograph. One after another, all across the yard and back again as I felt the sadness dissipate.

 Some days, social media is a nightmare I need to stay away from. Those days when the loneliness is thick and heavy around my heart. Those days when I'm feeling as if I am in a dark hole and no one will ever find me there, lost and alone. There are the days when photo after photo after video of family and good times are being shared and I miss my husband so badly because we can't ever do that again. The days when I see   the  shared adventures that others are having, the day trips, the vacations, the trips across town to a favorite restaurant stab at my heart like a serrated blade gone dull,  and withdrawn allowing me to bleed out. Blood and tears creating a river of sadness.  Those days I try to take a step away from any social media and find alternative entertainment. I find a book to read, I try and watch television, I go to the porch, I wander about the yard. Anything to get away from the joy of others and stop the tears from falling. (A note; I do not begrudge anyone having a good time. I do not begrudge their sharing. On the good days I enjoy seeing them as much as anyone)

 Some nights, it seems as if I am not ever going to sleep normally again. I will finally drift off to sleep only to come to the realization that I'm lying there wide awake, listening to the sound of the radio or the rain or the barking dog, but not sleeping. I believe that there is so much going on that my brain can't slow down and that causes me to awaken so often during the night. I don't get up, I whisper another prayer, I stretch, I turn over, I snuggle down, I allow my mind to wander off on a relaxing adventure until I finally drift away again. I have curtailed the amount of coffee I drink late at night. I often take long soaks in a hot tub with epson salt and lavender. I have the ceiling fan going and windows open to keep the room cool. I don't know how to calm my brain, but I'm trying.

 I know, that I am always going to face those moments when the unintentional hurt will happen. There will be a word, a memory, a thought, when the pain will return. We were married just over 32 years. A lot of memories were made during that time. A lot of plans were in the works for retirement. A lot of dreams.. now shattered. But, through prayer, faith, and friends, I know the ride will smooth, some day.

Dealing with unintentional pain

                                         My husband, me, Mark Miller

How often, I wonder, is this going to happen? How many times, before I can smile and walk away without feeling that soul stabbing agony?

 A friend came up to me today and asked me a simple question, "Guess who I saw Saturday?" Now, I've known this person for years and we've known many of the same people over the course of those years. In my mind I was thinking that she had happened up on one of them. There was really no way I could know, so I honestly admitted it with an "I don't know".  With a broad grin she told me, "Sawyer Brown". Two words. Two simple, well known,  words was all it took, to try and send me to that dark place of pain. If it had been intentional, it would have.  I have known this person for so long, and know that they don't have a malicious, vindictive, hurtful bone in their body. Knowing this, I was able to take a deep breath and smile. A probably somewhat crooked and not quite fully honest smile, but a smile.  This person was so excited about having seen them that I don't think they noticed.. which I'm glad.

 I've never made it a secret that I'm a fan of this country music band. Over the years I've gotten into some interesting conversations about the band and the guys that make up Sawyer Brown. That, I know, was the purpose of them bringing up that they had made a trip to Tennessee and while there had gone to the street festival and caught Sawyer Brown that night. They talked about the festival, the crowds and that they had enjoyed the show.

 I never said a word. Oh, I commented on what they were saying. I was honestly glad that they had a good time. The pain was trying to surface though. I fought it back down. I choked back the thoughts that kept coming to mind. That was supposed to have been a show my husband and I were going to attend. I had been asked if I were coming. My husband had told me he would do his best to make sure he was off. It was only three hours away, we could do that easily. It was coming to fruition, I was just short of booking a hotel room and finding out about tickets.

 Then he had to up and die on me. This is just one more thing, one more plan, one more moment that was going to be for us, only it never got to be. I know there are more.

 How many more times will someone make an innocent comment, that will cause that pain?

 How many more movies will I watch, the ones that he loved and watched repeatedly?

 How many times will I walk into Cracker Barrel and miss his presence?

How many more times, will I hear the roar of a big rig's engine and that rumble reach so deep into my heart?

How many more times, am I going to have to go into battle, over unintentional pain?

 I'm learning how to recognize the body language of others, and know what they are considering doing. Those questions of "do you need anything?" I've learned to just say no and move on. I'm learning how to be strong, when I'm surfing the channels on television and see the title of a movie. If I'm strong enough, or in the mood where I want to feel closer, I'll watch it, otherwise, I pass on by. Some things are easier to deal with than others.

 I've only had one person who I would have loved to call an idiot over a comment they made, but I didn't. I just walked away. I wasn't sure if they were being mean, if they were being clueless, or if they were actually an idiot. Either way, I let it go and walked on.

Wondering, simply wondering, how many more times, will I deal with unintentional pain....

      back, Jimmy Scholten, front Shelly Scholten, me and hubby.. dear friends..

Fighting with myself

There are those days when I start working and push until there is nothing left to push with. Yesterday was one of those days. I woke up determined that I was going to clean up a certain section of my yard. I have a rather large front yard, half of it is under some form of control, but not this section. This one section had been neglected for a while and that fact was obvious, Wisteria vines are covering nearly everything. The powers that be have repeatedly reported that snakes are bad this year, worse than years past. I have heard some say that is due to a very mild winter.  What ever the reason, the neighbors have a young child and I needed to get this section cleared to rid the snakes of one place to hide so close to the road.

So I down one cup of coffee, grab my gloves and sheers and head up the driveway. I had began working on the mess a few days before but after working all day simply did not have the energy to accomplish much. Today, with a determined heart, I began. Starting on one corner I worked my way in. I do have other flowers and wildflowers have sprung up, I didn't want to hurt them if I could prevent it, but I had to clear the vines as best as possible. In a short time I had a small pile of vines and saplings in the middle of my drive. I moved down to the other side of the large Oak that grows near my drive and began again. It didn't take long that I had yet another big pile of vines and debris.

 The morning was heating up quickly so I went inside and prepared a large glass of iced green tea and carried it back outside. I knew the way I was sweating, dehydration was a threat. I knew that my son would be coming in for lunch soon so I began dragging the piles of vines and other cuttings across the yard and down the hillside. As I was doing this the mail ran. I won't deny that I was hoping for some sign of an insurance check but it was only a salespaper and the insurance forms that had been changed due to my informing them of my husband's passing. James came in moments after and saw the remaining pile of vines and asked what I was doing. I could have given him a sarcastic response, but didn't. I simply explained and went back to work as he went inside to eat and prepare to go to the race.

 I stopped several times to rest and cool down. I kept that glass filled, but I kept at it. I managed to get a lot of the vines cleared away and even raked and removed the leaves from a large portion of what I was trying to clear.

 After a break, I went to get something to prepare for my dinner and ended up buying a few other things. Some needed, like the stuff to repair the pipes under bathroom sink, which are leaking, a large garbage can and a few things to make a wreath for the front door. I spent more than I planned but I'm still learning that budget thing that I had not had to worry about for a while.

 Once I got back home, I started a load of laundry, then went to do what I had told my son I would. He had backed the pick up to the carport and I went out and began loading the trash into the bed. It wasn't easy, in fact, there was quite the (amusing later) struggle of getting those large garbage cans onto that truck bed. After I got them in the bed, I began picking up the stuff that had either fallen out or been dragged out by the critters. By the time I finished, that truck was full.

 How does all this mean I am fighting with myself?

 I'm pushing myself to clear away the weeds of self pity, of sinking into the loneliness that many who have lost loved ones face. I am clearing away the debris of I can't do this. the debris of, how much more will I have to face, how many more things can and or will go wrong?  Why, does it seem like I'm suddenly here all by myself and everyone else has gone back to their life, leaving me here to deal with this alone?

 I'm methodically leaving  all the rubbish of that thinking at the cross. I'm clearing away the piles of hopelessness, the sadness, the feelings of loneliness, the emotions that threaten to take away my hope, that seek to destroy my trust. I'm clearing the envy, the jealously that others can go about their life, they have their loved ones, they have everything and everyone they had before. I'm clearing away the envy of trips and vacations and time simply spent with family and friends and reaching up to the One who has me. I'm reaching up, praying hard that this too shall pass and that I'll see, at the end of all my efforts that God has been here all along. That He has never left nor abandoned me and that His plan will be accomplished.

 And I won't have to push myself, as His yolk is light.