Count Down to 60---- He just wanted to know

Part of me, feels a failure. Part of me, thinks it was inevitable. Part of me, hopes that he learned what he wanted to know and will not revisit this place.

My son, is an adult. My son is 27 years old. My son still lives at home because of a heavy student loan burden. My son, moments ago walked into the house rip roaring drunk. He had drank some hard lemonade in the past but only a can here or there. Tonight, I'm not sure what he drank, but what ever he drank, was 14% alcohol. He was, staggering, slurred speech, falling down, giggling hysterically, then hanging onto something as the room spun, drunk.

 He purchased the drink and then stopped down at a neighbors to visit, and to drink his purchase.He knew that this neighbor would not judge him. He knew this person was his friend and partner in discussions of various topics from abstract, to zoology. They covered it all, great thinkers that they are. He knew, he could find out what he wanted to know in the safety and acceptance of this home. Thankfully a home not that far from here.

I was sitting here, having just finished writing on a topic I feel adamant about, clean water and its availability, when I heard him come in the gate. He was talking away, which isn't unusual as he always talks to the dogs. This time though he sounded as if he were arguing with someone, when the only ones there were the dogs. He came into the house, slumped up against the door frame into the kitchen  and said something about Buddy being a good dog. He was covered in leaves and dust and was obviously and without any shred of doubt, drunk. I will admit that I blew up. I thought he would know better, I was incredibly disappointed that he didn't. I hadn't heard his motorcycle drive up, but that didn't surprise me as the bike is rather quiet and I was focused on what I was doing. So the bike didn't enter my thoughts at first, what did enter and knock me backwards was the sight before me. Flushed and wobbly, slurred speech and every other obvious sigh, my good son, was drunk. The young man who works every day. The young man who takes responsibility seriously. The young man who stands back and makes sure everyone else has their food at gatherings. The young man who helps out with sound at our church. The young man who does his best to show respect to those he knows and those he does not. The young man who gets annoyed at social injustice and the mistreatment of others no matter who they are. I was looking at someone who just got knocked off the superman podium and into human. Because he just wanted to know.

He staggered, he giggled, he complained about the room spinning. He complained about being dizzy. He  alternated between being overly giddy and silly to being angry and wondering why people "do this". He  told me fifteen times that he just wanted to know. Now he knows. He has asked me not to tell his dad as his dad would get angry. He stood there at one point and told me that he was trying not to be mean to me. I asked why would he be mean to me and he told me that his dad was mean to me when he would drink. It was one reason his dad quit drinking anything at all. I don't remember the last time my husband drank a beer. I know the last time I drank anything it was less than half of a mixed drink when my son was two years old. Alcohol is not a part of this family now, but it is a part of society. He sees it in the movies, he sees it in the many videos he watches about games and gamers. He has seen it out in public, in the general crowds at event and at events with people he knows. I guess the curiosity was inevitable. (As an aside, I have no problem with those who do drink socially. I don't pass judgement on anyone who responsibly drinks. I realize that it is just one more form of getting together with friends. It is those who drink and drive drunk, or drink and get mean that I have feelings against.)

I will admit to blowing up when he first walked, or rather staggered, in the door.I was angry and I said somethings that I probably should not have, even though I doubt he remembers them. That brief flare of anger was replaced by disappointment. He repeated over and over that he just wanted to know, now he knew. He knew, and he wondered why. He would repeat he wanted to know followed immediately by the question of why. He wanted something to drink so I mixed a packet of flavored tea in a bottle of water, then proceeded to make a pitcher of sweet tea. I heated the oven and stuck a frozen pizza in as soon as it was hot, it was the quickest thing I had to get some food into his system

He tried to feed the dogs, but ended up stretched out on the dusty ground. Again he told me that Buddy was a good dog.  The cats went into hiding and one of the dogs doesn't know whether to stay with him or run away. As he was trying to eat his pizza Bella sat right in front of him as if she knew in his state he was going to drop at least some of that pizza and she wanted it. My son's pitiful cry of "mom, make her move." brought a smile and my calling her away.

At one point I found him stretched out on the floor in the living room. I asked him if he had been going somewhere, coming from somewhere or even if he needed help getting up. He answered no to each question so I left him there in the floor. A few minutes later he accepted my repeat offer of a hand up. He made it to his bed where he ended up half on the bed and half in the floor. I told him that didn't look comfortable but he said he was fine. The next time I checked in he was all the way on the bed and half asleep. He said he had just wanted to know, now he knew, but he didn't understand why.

He was safe. He had food in his system and aspirin at the ready for in the morning should he need it.  I had found out earlier that his bike was still down at the neighbors, he had walked home. I wondered how many times he had fallen over trying to walk up that dirt road in the dark. My disappointment had faded in the wake of seeing my son as human, but yet realizing that he had found out what he wanted to know in the safest, most responsible way that he could. He didn't risk driving home from anywhere. He didn't hurt anyone, he didn't hurt himself. He learned what he wanted to know in the safety and under the watchful eye of a friend, and he came home to sleep it off. He is still superman.

He swears he has learned his lesson. He swears he doesn't like this. As his mom, I don't like this. I know he is an adult. I know he is of legal age to drink. I'm glad that he is home, and that he didn't try to ride that motorcycle home. I know what I did when I was younger..but I do hate seeing him like this, even though part of it is kind of funny in a sad, coming of age kind of way.