my cancer story- part3

.I walked in to work that morning the same as I always did. I parked in the same place, carried the same cooler with the same lunch, the same oversized bag filled with odds and ends that I probably could have done without. Everything was the same, and yet nothing was the same, and it never would be again. It was odd walking in there knowing what I did, and knowing that I was going to have to share that with, well, everyone. I wanted to be the one to tell this and not the plant gossips. I knew it would be topic of discussion anyway, but I wanted the truth out there not some exaggerated tale that lost all shred of truth with the first retelling.




As soon as it got out people really started acting different. I was still me---but they were looking at me as if I had suddenly grown another head, turned green and orange and floated a few inches above the floor. I wanted to scream at these people "I'm still me!! I just have breast cancer." But I didn't. I understood. It was my brother all over again. When you are faced with mortality, whether its yours or someone else's everything changes. Even though I understood, and really couldn't blame them, it hurt. I'm not sure what I was expecting, but avoidance wasn't it. My friends, some of whom I've known for years, wouldn't even look at me. If they saw me approaching they would do some amazing maneuvers to avoid speaking to me. This was not going to work. I couldn't allow this to continue. I had a long road ahead of me and I couldn't travel it this way. The looks of pity would have to go as well. Those just made me mad.



When my husband was turned down for the job and returned home we had to do some shopping for our son. He had a new job and needed some steel toed boots. While we were in the store I noticed some pink baseball caps with the pink awareness ribbon on the front..and it was on sale. It also went home with me.



I wore that cap to work the next day. As a person who had never worn a hat of any type to work before it got a lot of attention. Now people- curious beings that we are- were asking what was up with the hat. When I explained and they began to realize that I was calm about the cancer they calmed down as well. I had people coming up to me letting me know they were survivors as well and if I needed to talk, or had any questions, just ask and they would help all they could. Knowing that I wasn't alone made a lot of difference in how I felt as well. Within a couple of days, everyone was back acting like their regular selves. That helped as well. It would have made me crazy dealing with people walking on eggshells for the entire time I battled my breast cancer.



My church family were very supportive. They prayed for us, for me and they helped us as we still struggled to find my husband a job. It had been a long time since I had felt as close to people as I did right then. I'll admit that I would have loved to have found this relationship in a different manner than cancer, but I still believed that there was a reason for it, so I wouldn't complain. Instead of being a burden to drag me down into self pity and depression my cancer became my praise. Instead of asking why me.. I was asking why not me? Day by day, incident by incident..my faith was growing stronger and my walk with the Lord was growing closer.



I could not deny what was truth. I had breast cancer. I couldn't deny it.. but it wasn't going to beat me either. My family, my friends, my church family had all proven they were with me, supporting, assisting, praying..I wasn't battling this alone and that made all the difference in the world.